we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
