.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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