Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
