i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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