A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
