I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
