Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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