the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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