my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize