And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
