Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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