I seem to have left my pride at pride
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
