Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
