I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
