I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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