my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
