The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
