And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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