It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
