My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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