I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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