The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize