I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
