Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
