i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
People in love make me want to vomit
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
