The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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