Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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