My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
