I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
