Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize