from now on my penis is your penis
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
