seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
