I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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