the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
