Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
