I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
