Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
