You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
