hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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