Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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