Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
