I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
