She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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