Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
