Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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