I'm so fucking centered right now
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
