I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
