So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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