Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
