Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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