I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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