I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
