Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize