And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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