do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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