what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
